Of Course I Hear Voices: I Own Parrots

I heard this song on the way home today: It's a song I have been listening too all summer...just because it is so catchy and well I love Pink.  Today it really reminded me of building walls. We build walls to keep people out. We build walls to keep ourselves safe. In my life, they have certainly been a necessary evil. Sometimes you just need a little space, to keep some secrets, or to be a little sheltered from the elements. Walls also have their challenges. They can't protect you from everything. Sometimes you just aren't ready to let it down, even though there is hope it will turn out okay. If you take it down too soon, things may go very badly. Sometimes you just have to play things by ear...and if you are on the other side of the wall: be patient. 

Fear is an amazing emotion. It can motivate you. It can hinder you. It can make you into something you hate. It can make you a better person.  Yes, it can do good things and bad things, and it is much easier to let the bad things win. It takes an effort and sometimes an extraordinary amount of drive to overcome it. It takes virtually nothing to let it consume you.  I have a laundry list of things I fear, and recently it has been really hard to not let those things get me down. It is easy to let the insecurities win out when you feel lost. Still, it all comes down to a choice. Some of the insecurities may even be true, but even with that there is still a choice. I can let it overwhelm me, or I can face it and fight it. I decided last weekend ( as I mentioned on here Monday ) to fight it. I just didn't realize what I was choosing to do. I decided to stop letting my sadness, loneliness  and anxiety run my life, but the underlying cause of those negative feelings...

It is another nursing application deadline. It is exciting, and a bit stressful as all the last minute testers try to get in and test high enough to get into the program. It is like a much more intense late registration. These students many times have their future plans on the line. They have come to school to be a nurse, and they have to test well to get into our program. It is easy to get annoyed with these last minute testers. They can be rude, unprepared, and fail to listen to basic directions (IE "what calculator can I use" after they have been told and theoretically they have read 3 times, AND signed that they understood that calculators are prohibited). They break rules, act entitled and a very select few throw temper tantrums. Some of that can be wiped away by the joy that students find when they know they tested well, or even that they tested high enough to apply. Those are the happy moments. The hardest moments are when the student tests below the cut off, o...

If I had to choose to be one kind of critic, it would have to be a film critic. I love books. I love to read and write; however, film would be my first choice . I love movies. I like looking at how the film was put together: the writing, the editing, the acting, the continuity etc. It is more of an obsession than it probably should be. Sometimes I think about how I would do it if it were my movie. It is really a creative thing for me sometimes. I could enjoy doing that full time, or even part time. Until then I will have to be content with doing this from my couch.

We are: Loud (well more so they are loud and I am loudish) Usually making trouble Many times the center of attention Typically too cute This could be our theme song: They are: The people that make my life fun Like family The people that are there for me when it all falls apart Have seen me without eye make up People I would do anything for

1) A vacation...a nice long vacation. I have almost 2 months of vaca saved why not enjoy it? 2) For my friends and family to be happy 3) To be able to take better care of the people in my life. Ask me anything

I made these: Each one took time and patience. Some were made just because I was bored. Others, I set out to make something I thought was fun. It may not appeal to you...and that is fine. Some of my work is dark.Others are black and white, distressed,  focal black and white. It just depends on my mood, and what I want to make on any given day.  That is the best part of this hobby. I'm not in this for the money. I do this for fun. It is like my blog, I can make it into anything I want. I'm not trying for fame. I'm just doing something I love, sharing it with others, and hoping at least some of you like it. It is one of the things I selfishly just do for me.  As I have been going through all my old pictures (working on my portfolio), I am reminded of how much fun I had making these odd edits. I can't wait to start doing it again. Making a portfolio is time consuming, and I'm not looking for much to come from it, but it is still something that can make me pr...

This Week's Prompts 1.) Write a post about a childhood memory as if you're in that moment again...from the perspective of yourself as that child. 2.) Write about a time you disappointed yourself. 3.) Your first panic attack. 4.) Your Grandma's story. 5.) The 10 Dos and Don'ts of Airplane Etiquette. This week's winner: 5.) The 10 Dos and Don'ts of Airplane Etiquette. I love to travel. I wish I could afford to do it more. I wish more of my friends could travel with me. I think it is awesome to be able to get away and relax. Over the years, I have learned a few rules to live by while flying the friendly skies.  Do be prepared for the worse case scenario. You will be delayed. You will get a bad seat. If you have kids, they will misbehave. If you are childless you will sit near the worse behaved child on the plane...ok it might *not* happen but be prepared for if it does. Don't wait until right before you board the plane to check for essential ...

Trying something new. Check out One Minute Writing How much can you write in a minute? My most "aware" sense is my hearing. I guess that is why words mean so much to me. I know some of it is that I am an auditory learner (from my dyslexia).

Last Tuesday I came home after my run and my wi fi wasn't working. I checked the router, nothing was getting power. Actually, none of my appliances on that wall were working. I checked out the circuit breaker box and one was tripped. I unplugged everything reset the circuit, plugged every thing back in and the only thing that didn't come back on was the dvr/cable box.  I just figured it was fried and didn't think  much more of it. I keep the entertainment stand covered because the baby birds chew on the cords. I had never caught one of them back there, so I never put it together. The next day, it was working again. Yesterday, it stopped working again, but this time I saw one of them fleeing the scene. I looked and I found this: Basically, one of them should have fried when they blew the circuit...but instead they survived to terrorize me another day. You would think anything this cute couldn't be  *that* evil but I assure you they are little feather bag...

. I am so not a morning person. I'm much more alert and thrive at night. Most mornings I am pretty much in zombie mode for a few hours. Ask me anything

I'm not a fan of Mondays...who really is. For some reason though I'm ready for this one. I'm exhausted (were talking about maybe 8 hours of sleep since Thursday). I'm sore. I'm worried. I'm scared.  I feel like I have done something wrong, but I can't figure out what. I'm stressed about my trip home at the end of the week (and dreading doing it solo).  For some reason, none of that matters this morning. I guess my new perspective is working. I had more time than I would have liked to think this weekend. Some of it was very productive. Some of it just made me feel worse. Mostly, it made me realize all I can do is face each day like I did before the tornado. Love my family even when they are making me twitchy Love my friends, because really they are my family too Take care of the people in my life Do my job the best I can and not let the little things distract me Do everything I can to ensure the people in my life are happy. Seeing them happy ...

I am very excited to announce that I am starting up an new phase in my photography project. I will continue posting to Redgage  because that is where I am currently actually getting paid for my pictures (paid per page view). The most popular ones on there will get uploaded to my official online portfolio. You can find the start up of my portfolio over on Smugmug . I will be setting up more albums and hopefully I will have new pictures to add soon. Also be on the look out for some pretty big changes to the blog over the next 6 months. After much consideration today/tonight, I know that it is time to move us into whatever our next step will be.  I'm not looking for a career change, but just for a bigger opportunity to do something I love.

2011 has been another year I had high hopes for...so far it hasn't quite paid off, but there is still a few months to go. I have been healing from losing mom, healing from my own trauma from the tornado, reclaiming my blog, learning who my real friends are, losing my dad and taking new risks. It could still surprise me though. white rose 1) Who Knew -- Pink 2) Whatdaya Want from Me-- Pink 3) Sooner or Later -- Michelle Branch 4) When You're Gone-- Avril 5) Two Points for Honesty -- Guster 6) Alice-- Avril 7) Black Balloon-- Goo Goo Dolls 8) Absolutely -- Nine Days 9) Broken-- Lifehouse 10) What You Want -- Evanescence 11) I Think I'm Paranoid-- Garbage 12) Bad Influence-- Pink 13) Who I Am-- Jessica Andrews 14) Someone You Should Know-- Lisa Loeb 15) Let Go -- Frou Frou 16) Tell Me Where it Hurts: Garbage 17) Everything to Me-- Liz Phair 18) Here and Now-- Letters to Cleo 19) Fucking Perfect-- Pink 20) Effortl...

I have always been a person who finds personal meaning in song lyrics. It just who I am. That's not exactly a secret...just take a look at past blog entries...or many of my song selections at karaoke.  It just seems to be happening more lately especially over the past month. It just isn't limited to songs any more, now television shows and movies are having the same effect. An episode of Scrubs, a random movie, a song on the radio: It is almost like the media is plotting against me.  I get that really it is just I'm more aware of how I relate to each piece of media. Part of the reason that we like a show/song/etc is because on some level we relate to or are drawn to some aspect of it.  Still, episode 206 of Haven really got to me. In the episode one main character is stuck in the over done "time loop aka Groundhog Day" scenario. The first thing that got me was in each "redo" she had to watch another person she cares about die. Seeing how that is the ...

I need out of dodge for a weekend. I really don't even need a weekend...I could settle for just an overnight trip. I want to go to Chicago and do all the things I love up there. We could leave after I get off work on a Saturday and come back Sunday. I want to take pictures of the city. It has been years since I've taken the time to do that...and I am rebuilding my portfolio.  I want to go shopping up at Clark and Belmont I want to get dinner at Penny's Noodle Shop I want to get breakfast or brunch at Toast   I want to go to the Map Room for drinks I want to go to the Sanrio shop at the Shops at Northbridge I think it is a simple request, and it should be filled soon. Okay fine, it is a selfish request, and no one may want to go with me, but I think it would be fun. 

In the 10 years I have lived here, I had never been to a concert at Verizon. I never could find anyone to go to a concert with me. Tonight that changed, and I can tell you: I wish I had more people to go to concerts with...the acoustics there were amazing even if you aren't a Parrothead...Jimmy Buffett's show is amazing and you should go to one at least once holy effing geez on the parking...I couldn't get back to the door I went in and ended up walking for 30 minutes to my car (I knew where it was btw...it was just about 2 miles from the main exit. ) Now I see why you tailgate for concerts: to get a good parking spot. It was great fun, and I am glad my co-worker invited me to tag along. My shoulder and back are going to hate me tomorrow, but I have the whole day off to recover.

It is another stormy night...and I wasn't really anxious until I lost power. It is obviously back on now, but it means another night without sleep.  Sleep is hard for me to come by these days. I was already a chronic insomniac, but now it is worse. I'm anxious again like I was after the tornado. I have so many things on my mind, and I just can't get it to shut off. My stupid shoulder doesn't help matters. It hurts so bad at night that I just can't get comfortable. On the nights I do fall asleep, I pray that I stay asleep. I'm a light sleeper.  Plus there are the nightmares. After the tornado and losing Mom, the really bad ones started. Some were about the tornado and being in that car that night. Soon though they became different. Namely, every time I closed my eyes I had a front row seat to watching the people I care most about die.  Time passed, and the nightmares became less frequent. Then the day before my birthday, Dad went into critical care. The nightm...

I You never know how life is going to turn out. Tonight I was sitting in an empty laundromat as the winds picked up and the storms started to approach from the west. As I sat there hoping I would be out of there soon, I couldn't help but think how this would be the perfect opening for a scary movie. A girl, alone in a suburban laundromat, ominous weather, some cheesy 80's ballad (I think it was by Nelson) in the background...just make me hot and blonde  and we have the makings of a slasher film folks. if I don't check in on foursquare tomorrow...you might want to check these.... This sudden burst reminded me of the days where I really thought I could make a living off that creativity. I thought Indiana was just a brief pit stop. I had big plans and dreams. Instead I never left, and I work in education. It isn't a bad life...actually it is a good life. Still I do sometimes wonder what would things be like if my life had gone to plan. Where would I be?...

blogging (duh) obsessively check facebook and twitter until something fun is posted finding random stuff on you tube bleach my walls reading writing (not blogging mostly fiction projects) stare at the wall/ceiling with the hope I will fall asleep cook "window shop" the clothes I never have a reason to wear edit photos set up random photoshoots in the apartment worry about my friends and family work on the knot in my shoulder exercise try to find fun writing prompts (and usually fail...maybe I should do something about that) work on my photo portfolio over on redgage watch scary movies text a friend if I know one is awake laundry (I so should be doing that now) wish I had better access to the things that make me sleep better grocery shop worry about sleeping through my alarms convince myself to at least try to sleep...it is better than nothing right?