When I Close My Eyes
It is another stormy night...and I wasn't really anxious until I lost power. It is obviously back on now, but it means another night without sleep.
Sleep is hard for me to come by these days. I was already a chronic insomniac, but now it is worse. I'm anxious again like I was after the tornado. I have so many things on my mind, and I just can't get it to shut off. My stupid shoulder doesn't help matters. It hurts so bad at night that I just can't get comfortable.
On the nights I do fall asleep, I pray that I stay asleep. I'm a light sleeper. Plus there are the nightmares. After the tornado and losing Mom, the really bad ones started. Some were about the tornado and being in that car that night. Soon though they became different. Namely, every time I closed my eyes I had a front row seat to watching the people I care most about die.
Time passed, and the nightmares became less frequent. Then the day before my birthday, Dad went into critical care. The nightmares returned full force that night. I don't always remember them, but I know how I feel when I wake up. There is no getting back to sleep at that point. When you wake up and *all* your bedding is in the floor, the mattress has been shifted off the box spring and frame and you are still crying it makes you never want to close your eyes again.
I know they will get less frequent again. The being even more exhausted than normal takes its toll, but at least I know it will get better. A few things typically help me sleep, but they aren't always readily available. All I can do is tough it out and hope for a lucky break here and there. I haven't slept through the night since the night before I stayed the night at Hospice with Dad. I've had one night since then where I slept off and on decently. It's catching up with me, so another *good* night is much needed.