Of Course I Hear Voices: I Own Parrots

What a difference a year makes. Had you told me a year ago I would be writing this blog from a couch watching children play while my boyfriend plays poker in the kitchen: I wouldn't believe you. 2010 was rough. As we rolled into 2011, I was still reeling from the tornado, losing Mom, and suddenly having my Dad and his care be my number one priority. I had high hopes that the year would be better. I mean it had to be. Things were looking up. They were still hard. I still felt broken and overwhelmed, but it was getting better. I still felt like I just wasn't getting anywhere or getting what I wanted. I just kept trying to stay patient. Good things had come my way. Then it happened. Dad went into the hospital just before my birthday.The day before my birthday Dad went to critical care. A week later, we were at Hospice. The sting of Mom's death  was still hard, and now we were starting all over again. We weren't supposed to lose him so soon, but it happened. My ye...

Christmas Eve was great,  but there was that little nagging feeling. That feeling that something was missing. No matter how hard I tried, that feeling kept getting bigger as the day went on. Of course the inevitable awkward conversation did rear its head ("why aren't you going to your parents' for Christmas), and even that didn't bother me as much as that sinking feeling in my heart. Still I smiled, laughed and had fun until I had to drive home alone. I cried from Pendelton to Fishers. I cried harder when I couldn't find a store that was open to buy shrimp. I cried all the way home, totally lost it when the life insurance check was in my mailbox, and cried all night when I should have been sleeping. I cried some more the next morning, and if I had wanted to I probably could have cried all day. Instead I made a choice. I chose that from that moment on, it was all about making this an amazing Christmas.  No more tears. No more feeling sorry for myself. I wa...

Okay...in all honesty it might be my only wedding as a photographer, but it was still a great experience. Months ago, my friend asked me to be the photographer for her wedding. I was honored. Then I was terrified. The fear got worse as the date grew closer. The night before the wedding, I stayed awake pretty much all night. 1) I had no idea what I was doing. Yes, the bride and I had talked. She had made me a list of the photos she wanted. I memorized said list. Still, I had never done this before. 2) What if the pictures turned out awful? This is her WEDDING DAY. It's a huge deal. 3) What if I overslept, was late, had car trouble and messed up her wedding day? Needless to say I was a nervous wreck. I worked hard the day of the wedding, and it was an amazing experience. It was a long day, but I was honor to be part of it. The pictures are actually pretty good. I have just wrapped up the basic edits. I have another round of eliminations to finish up tonight/Sunday, and t...

I hate shopping. I hate shopping for me. I however do *love* giving gifts. I am not sure I am all that great at it, but I hope I get it somewhat right. I love it when I get it right and I can see the joy on the other person's face. I love being able to make others happy. It isn't for attention. I just genuinely like bringing joy to others. This year, I decided to be smart and get my Christmas shopping done early. I was successful at that goal. Between a pre-cyber Monday sale, Black Friday online shopping, actual Cyber Monday shopping and one well planned out trip to the mall, I was done. Then...it happened. The gift I wanted to buy for someone on my list was back in stock. The issue was if I bought something else for her, I had to be fair and buy another thing for her sister (to make it fair). Okay, we can do this. Well maybe if I could find something she might want...and that took a while. Maybe I was over thinking it. Maybe I shouldn't shop at 2:30 a.m. when I can...

My parents met at Christmas time. Mom was going caroling. Dad was probably planning to cause trouble. That's how it all began, and it is probably why they both loved Christmas so much. Last year, we made it through our first Christmas without Mom. It was hard, but it was still a good Christmas. Compared to the cluster that was Thanksgiving, it was a huge success. Dad wanted to go to Christmas Eve service, so we dressed him up and headed to Woodville. I remember asking him if he was hungry before we left. The answer was no. As soon as we hit the village limits, he says he's hungry and wants McDonalds. He was too embarrassed to go in, so we bought our food at the drive through and then ate in the parking lot. I found french fries all over that rental the next day. We made it to the church. They helped us to the handicap row, and all was well until the choir began to sing. My father completely lost it.  It was heartbreaking to see how much he missed Mom. This year, we wi...

How do I know he's the right one for me? He tells me I'm beautiful when I feel like I have been hit like a truck. He gets the car so I don't have to walk in the rain. He doesn't mind that my apartment isn't spotless. He makes me feel safe and loved. He can always make me smile. He always puts his kids first. He deals and even tries to make peace with my birds. He is always there for me. And the one that may seem silly to you is: He makes my coffee just right...every time. He got it right the first time. He gets it right every time.

It is that time of year again. Every year I put up my tree by myself. It is a tree that most years no one ever sees, but it is a tradition that is important to me. It symbolizes a holiday that both of my parent's loved. Every year I hope that maybe, someone will come over and see it this year, and maybe this will be the last year I have to do it alone.  This year, at least 1 person should see it, and there is a little well placed hope that maybe next year (even if I still live on my own) a new tradition could start. Every year the tree goes up. Last year it was minus some decorations Mom gave me because I just couldn't get them out of the box. I tried to get them out, but I just couldn't do it.  This year most of them have at least made it out of the box. I am not sure if they will make it to the tree, but at least they are out. Last year I couldn't look at them without crying. This year there was still a little hesitation, but it wasn't the gut wrenching feel...

Yesterday: 1) I had a vendor send me a invoice, for bills we had already paid. The invoice was printed and then not mailed  for 2 weeks...this is after months of  billing  issues. 2) The life insurance people who have been running me through the ringer sent me something via fed ex. I drove in the rain to pick it up and find out it is something they could have just told me over the phone....wtf. 3) The trip to fed ex effed up my evening plans. 4) things just didn't feel right Today 1) still feeling off 2) my evening plans changed because of the wind and snow...and my crappy night vision. I really don't want to wait until tomorrow to run my errands (it will cost me more for laundry and it will be harder for me to get stuff to and from the car, and I had maybe hoped that I could do something fun tomorrow). Am I frustrated? Yes. However, I have to keep focused on the good things. The things that make me smile. The things I look forward to. The people who mak...

Every year I put up a tree. I move furniture. I stress about placement. I hang a wreath on the door. Most years, the only person that sees it is me. It may seem like a waste of time to do all that work for no one to see. To me, it is my own tradition. It is something I do for me. I love coming home to the lights. It is a part of home I bring with me. It gives me a place to put my presents once they are wrapped. It reminds me of Mom and her tree in every room. It  is something I never want to lose. I like coming home to the lights and the wreath  on the door.

I hate shopping...and Christmas shopping usually freaks me out. This year...it has actually been fun. I started early with a pre cyber Monday (the Monday before) sale, (knocking out about 1/3 of my shopping for $82) On Black Friday, I took care of another 1/3...from bed...while watching hockey....again for well under $100 Today I took care of one more for  a steal Now I am down to 1.5 people to shop for. .5 will probably be taken care of tomorrow. 1 on the upcoming Friday. I have saved so much money and enjoyed being able to shop on my own time and terms. I have even picked up a few things I actually needed (jeans that fit, boots, things I'm not sharing) for steals with free shipping too. I am pretty excited :-), and I have enjoyed doing the research and finding amazing deals...and I will be done  with my shopping well ahead of the game this year.

This isn't much...just an idea that has been on my mind. There really is a feeling a peace when everything starts to fall into place. It isn't perfect. There will be complications...that is just how life works. It isn't easy or too good to be true. You had to work hard to get there. There were times where you weren't sure it was worth the risk, but you stuck it out. It is a new feeling. It is one without all the doubts and fears you have had in the past. It isn't waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is truly being content with where you are. You aren't just hopeful for the future: you are looking forward to the future. It is a great feeling, and I never want to lose it.

I typically do not carry cash...unless it is laundry day or I have just picked up cash *for* laundry day. Even then it is typically the exact amount I need for the laundromat. Yesterday I went to the grocery store...like I do most Mondays. There was someone doing collections for the Salvation Army outside the store. Every year I try to donate at least once but I have to make a concentrated effort to remember to grab extra cash to so. Yesterday I decided to get my meager donation done early this season and made sure I asked for extra cash back at checkout. I wasn't in the store very long, but when I came out, the Salvation Army person was gone. I was just going to hold on to it until I ran into another donation kettle. Then I saw a woman walking through the parking lot. She was near tears, not wearing a jacket, and looked a little distraught. It turns out she was out of gas, and had apparently lost her debit card...and had no way of getting home. She didn't need much. She ju...

This Thanksgiving will be different. 1) It is my first Thanksgiving that I will not be going home. 2) It is my first Thanksgiving without my Dad. I always had hoped that someday I would have a reason to not go home...not in a bad way. I had hoped to meet someone and to have the opportunity to start a new tradition. I have that this year. It will be a little bittersweet to not see my family, but I am looking forward to something new. The harder part will be that this will be my first Thanksgiving without my dad. The year of firsts when you lose a parent is always hard...sadly I know this first hand. We had just made it through our first year of holidays, birthdays and special events without Mom, and not even two months later we lost our dad. Now we have to do it all over again. As much fun I know I will have, I also know it will be a sad day for me. I knew last Thanksgiving, I would never have a family Thanksgiving like the one I had when Mom was still alive. Still, even with...