Something is Missing

Moving Day is Friday.

I am beyond excited. I am ready to start this new phase in our lives. I am ready to build our future. After the past 2 years, it is amazing to see how things have turned around. I have finally found where I belong, and I am looking forward to seeing what is next.

I am positive and optimistic about this. For the first time in my life everything feels right. I hate to be rainbows and butterflies on you for a second, but this feeling is what I have been waiting for my whole life.  I never expected things to work out this way, but what started with me judging him and taking pictures for a karaoke contest (not bad judging him...I was a contest judge) has become  the kind of relationship I thought I would never deserve.

Will there be struggles and challenges? You bet.

Will it always be pretty? I can promise you it won't.

There will be fights, disappointments, petty disagreements, and other bad things that come along. Things will suck from time to time. That is just how life works. However, I have faith and confidence that we will be able to work through whatever ugliness gets thrown our way (or even that we cause). It won't always be easy, but we can do this.

The *only* thing that gives me a moments pause: His kids...or more so the fact I feel like I have zero maternal instinct

For the record: I love both of his girls. They are awesome. That is not even close to being an issue. his kids like me. His brothers' kids like me. Most importantly, he always puts his kids first. If he thought this was a bad idea, the moving in would not be happening.

I am excited about spending more time with them. I am excited about getting their room ready. I am excited about being a bigger part of their lives. Those are all positive things.

Why I am a little scared:

  1. I do not have any children of my own
  2. I have never really wanted children of my own, and I am too old to be thinking about having them now.
  3. I may refer to the birds as fids or feathered toddlers, but they are nowhere near the responsibility that children are. Um they stay in a cage all day for one.
  4. I was actually told by an ex that we would never go anywhere because I would be a bad mom. 
  5. I honestly do not know what I am doing. 
The biggest reason: 

Okay parents or step parents: The first time you found yourself in over your head with your own kids or step kids who did you call?

I am guessing most of you said: Mom

Guess who I can't call.

This is one of the things you are suppose to have your parents to be there for/help you through. I don't have either to have my back on this one. I am going into uncharted territory and I am going in without the most popular resource for back up. 

Of course I have friends who are moms to call, his mom, his sister is laws, but it isn't the same.

Instead of a mom to call, I am left with the memories of her parenting, and a few things I have "inherited" without even knowing (IE: the crying temper tantrums to get ones way will not only not get what said person  wants, they will get the child ignored). 

I feel like I am missing a major component from my arsenal. 


Comments

Kanga said…
I personally believe that parenting is a learned trait, not a 'given'. You will grow and learn, and so will the girls. And you have each other for support, as well as various friends and family members when the parenting gets tough.
Parenting is an interesting road, and you are coming into the game a little later since these aren't your 'own' children. But I think you can adapt and will grow to have a wonderful relationship :)
JMHO, of course, and I'm NOT a parenting wizard by any means!
11:41 AM
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