For the first time in a couple years, I am actually excited about Christmas.

I am excited to get to spend Christmas Eve with the girls and Mark's family. I love our new tree. I am enjoying making new traditions and memories with my own family. We made 27.5 dozen cookies (in 2 days...on very little sleep). We saw the lights at the zoo.  We picked out outfits for Christmas Eve. I am looking forward to seeing my family in Toledo. I am looking forward to some time off work. I have enjoyed the hunt for the perfect Christmas gifts. I have even loved wrapping the presents (even though I am horrible at it). Even when I have wanted to strangle the girls, I have looked forward to making our first Christmas in our new place one they will enjoy and hopefully remember.

At the same time, there is still a sadness. It is another year that I do not have parents to go home to. Another year that the 2 people that made my Christmases happy, won't be there to share in the fun. It isn't the same without them. It means another year of praying that no one asks about my parents, and pretending like it doesn't hurt when they do.There is the anger that Mark and the girls will never get to enjoy a Christmas with my parents. It is trying to not show how jealous I am of those who still have their parents to celebrate with. I have needed them so much in the past year, and this is just another moment where I really miss them. It is the childish "it is not fair" that I feel when instead of getting to go to my parents' house, I have to go to the cemetery.

It is a very mixed bag of emotions. I am happy, and I really am excited for the holiday. Still, it makes me sad.


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