Finding What You Need

A year ago I was lost. I was lonely. I felt invisible. It wasn't from my friends lack of trying, but they weren't giving me what I needed. To be fair I didn't know how to ask for what I needed. All I knew was I was tired of feeling so lonely. Going out every weekend was not making things better. Actually, every weekend made me feel worse. I was spending tons of money, feeling like I was getting lost in the crowd, and it wasn't fixing anything.

That dark lonely feeling was the source of many tears, doubts, and frustration. Risks I thought would be worth it, just disappointed me more.

I didn't think or really care about my future.

Things stayed this way for a while. Then life changed. It isn't just about one person. Yes, it may have started with the choice to trust one person and to let him into my inner circle of friends. It has become something much bigger. It is the feeling of family and support I needed to get back on my feet and to start feeling normal again. It hasn't always been easy. There were moments where I really thought I was going to lose it all.  I had moments where I felt dumb for hoping that maybe it would all work out. I would never try to tell you it is all rainbows and butterflies. I have moments where it is frustrating and my patience is taxed...it is life. I only know this is the happiest I have been in a long time.

Of course, sacrifices have been made along the way. There are people I wish I could see more often. I just am not feeling the bar scene like I used to. I guess I am not looking for happiness there anymore. My work schedule and living so far from my boyfriend also makes getting out more difficult. Making an hour drive each way on a Saturday night isn't always feasible.  I should probably be more proactive about making non bar plans, but I just got discouraged when my past "hey just let me know when you are free and we can hang out" comments went unanswered.  I do wish I had more of a balance in my life at times. Maybe it will be easier to connect with them once we move forward a bit. Yes: We. I do not know exactly what our future may hold. However, I am excited to see what comes next. It is nice to be able to hope and dream about the future. It is something I didn't realize I missed.




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