Phase One

Today I confirmed our appointment with the lawyer to start putting things in motion for Dad's estate. We had just wrapped up Mom's and here we are again. It will be a quick road trip (Home after work 9/1 meeting the morning of 9/2 and back on the road to Indy by the afternoon since I have to work Saturday). I for see many of these short, but still tough road trips in the future. I'll gladly take passengers Indy friends. It is a long drive with lots of time for me to think...and over think.

It has to be done though. This is just our first phase of many as we work towards getting past this, and seeing what our "new" family look like.

It has been a month (well tomorrow it will be a month), and you would think things would hurt less. Not so much.

You would also think it would be easier this time around. When Mom died there was so much more going on. Her death, Dad's condition, our own trauma from witnessing her death AND surviving the tornado. Life as we knew it stopped. Plans were halted. Dreams were tossed aside. My goals and focus were no longer just about me...now we had to take care of Dad. His mistakes, were now ours to clean up. His paperwork, was our paperwork. We had to come up with money for him to live on, and place for him to live, and to figure out his finances. He was now our number one priority. He remained that way until the end.

There is much less drama this time around, but in some ways I feel worse. It is all totally selfish, but it is harder to let go of the second parent... especially when I wasn't totally over losing the first one.

First, again Dad was my number one priority. Now that he is gone, there is this huge hole in my life, and I have nothing to fill it with. It is what makes being home alone so hard. I spent nights trying to figure out how we could afford a high level of care. I researched things to try and make things easier on all of us. Of course I would worry and feel guilty for not being home more. I filed his taxes and handled the business side of things. Now that is gone.

Second, I'm mad. I said after Mom died that the hardest part was all of the things she would miss. Again these are things in most cases I have given up on deserving. In some cases, I'm not sure I even want them. Still, they are the things your parents should be there for. After Mom died, at least we still had one parent. Nothing would ever be normal or traditional, but at least he would still be there. Now...we have no one. That sucks. Yes I am mourning things and experiences I am likely to never have. It is totally irrational, and I understand that most people won't be able to relate to it. That doesn't make it hurt any less.

Third, I'm a little lost. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to fit into things anymore. It is a side effect of the first two issues.

On my worst days it is very easy to lose sight of one basic truth: this is just phase one. All these things will continue to hurt. Some may hurt forever The hurt will change though. Things will get worse at times, but it will also get better. Okay,it might not ever get better, but hopefully how I handle it will evolve. Soon phase two will come. It will bring new challenges. New things will hurt. New things will make it hurt less. I will have more nights where I laugh so hard I cry and feel human again. I will sleep through the night again. Then phase three will enter the scene and things will change again and again until I'm through this.

You can stay down forever, but it is really no way to live. I'm not saying rush things, or to jump into something you are not ready to face. You'll know when you are strong enough to move forward. The trick is to not let yourself lose sight of where you want to be. It is easy to stay in the darkness, especially when you know once you are back up,you can fall again at any time. It is a gamble. It may even sound impractical. I know there are days I certainly wonder why I keep picking myself up...it is because deep down I have to hope that one of these times I will catch a break and find exactly what I need.

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