Today, I should have seen the writing on the wall as soon as I walked in the door and suddenly I knew I was going to be sick. Eating typically makes me feel sick these days, but occasionally it really does make me ill. When the day starts like that...the day isn't looking good.

It was another rough day and COMPASS crashing, we had plenty of unhappy students and me being tired, sore and already stressed didn't help matters. After a few days like this, it is really easy to be selfish and really  feel sorry for myself.

On days like this: It is easy to remember all the times my dreams have been ripped out from underneath me. It is easy to remember all the times I wasn't good enough. It is easy to remember when the things I love and care about have been taken away from me.

It makes it hard to dream again.

Okay so I don't sleep well, and now I hardly sleep at all so how can I dream? Dreams aren't just something that happen while you sleep. They are the things that you hope for while you are awake too. They are the things that are not guaranteed. They are sometimes selfish.  For me some of my dreams mean that the people I love and care about most won't be happy, and  that is against my whole "put the people you care about first" mentality. I'd give anything to ensure the people I love are happy. As I have said before, I gave up on dreams and hope a little over a year ago. Seven...maybe eight months ago I finally stopped feeling totally numb after the tornado. I could feel more than just being sad and lonely. It was in little bursts, but it was there. I felt like something was missing...the things you look forward to. I had goals, but they had no emotion.

I was watching Dream for an Insomniac and the lead character said: If you only dream when you're asleep, there is nothing there when you wake up.

This is true for me.

Most of my dreams are the things I want but will likely never deserve to have. They are the things that will make me happiest, and some of them may even come true. Without them, there is something missing from my life, but remembering how it hurts (when the numbness/sad and loneliness is back) when a dream is shattered makes it hard to let myself do it again. Not letting myself dream or hope kept me safe for months after the tornado. Now another loss has me considering putting up the wall again.

It really hits home on these bad days...and after a few bad days in a week it is easy to lose my focus. I know things will get better. I know that in time all these emotions stemming from losing Dad will start to fade and I will start to feel like me again...it might take another year (at which point it will be 2 years of funness) but it will happen. I will get through this. I have too many things to tend to and people to care for to let this ruin me. Still, it is hard to emotionally put myself out there again.


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