Sometimes You Just Aren't Feeling It

Who doesn't love the Fourth of July?

For years it has been my second favorite holiday (after Halloween of course). It brings up memories of a house full of cops/friends, the smell of french fries, being able to hear the band in the beer tent from my front porch, rides that always made me sick (I rode them anyway), mom's cooking, the beer tent, and of course the fireworks and Roger Weber's soundtrack we've been using since the early 90's.

I love it. Seriously, give me a bucket of Frank's french fries (from the top of the hill), an elephant ear (from the vendor about 6 spots to the right when you get to the bottom of the hill) and a pitcher of beer. I'm set until we go to Jo Jos (or I have to walk home to use the little girls room). Even if the band sucks, the people watching is AMAZING. I seriously saw the whitest and drunkest Cupid Shuffle ever there last year...and I work for P3 so that is saying something.

I'm related to one in the middle and will be related to the one in the pink

Now, it just isn't the same. I just wasn't feeling it this year. I was in a rut, and it just kept getting worse. I guess some of it is that I can go home again. I can do the whole beer tent, stagger to Jo Jos and stagger home routine (btw: longest 5 blocks ever when you and your brother may have had one too many), but it will never be the same because she won't be there. Unless I make it myself, there is no eating my weight in potato salad after a long night of fun. She isn't there to (somewhat) jokingly remind us that after day 1 the port a potties are a bad idea. It may not make sense to most of you, but the fact that we can never have that back really got to me this weekend.

Let me tell you: that feeling sucked
1) I hate not enjoying something that used to make me so happy.
2) Missing her
3) Trying to be happy with everyone else.

The trying to be happy part was the worst. I really tried to have fun...I did. I just couldn't get into it. Saturday night I found one thing that cheered me up (talking to a friend). However, when I tried to replicate this the next day, it just made me feel worse. I'm not sure why, but it did.  Nothing helped. I was sad. I couldn't sleep. The things I wished would happen didn't, and that made me feel even more depressed.

I just really wanted my old life back.


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