The Hardest Part

This weekend brought up a lot of memories and emotions from over the past year. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be (that still doesn't mean my emotions weren't all over the place and that Pink's Who Knew...a song I sing all the freaking time..didn't make me cry like a baby in my car).

These things are true (and suck)

1. I miss my mom. Yes, we had our moments (lets just call those my "teenage years") and I still find things she has done that make me very angry. Still, those are things we just have to forgive and deal with. She can't ever be replaced.
2. I miss my child/parent relationship with my dad.He will always be my dad, but that dynamic is gone. Now I worry about things like if he has pants that fit (he loses weight like it is his job), if we have money to pay his bills, and I worry about his health. I feel badly for not getting to see him as much as I would. He doesn't want me to give up my life and move back to Ohio, so I have to make due with the trips I can make.
3. I wish I could "unsee" what I saw that night. Night after night of seeing her car swept away every time I closed my eyes hasn't been pleasant. Nothing has made that part easier.
4. I worry about my brother and sister...am I doing enough for them

Still, the hardest thing I had to face this weekend is the one question no one can answer for me: Why am I still alive?

Really I shouldn't be. My knowledge of the laws of nature and physics are lacking, but I am pretty certain my sister and I defied both that night.

There is a reason you *aren't* supposed to stay in the car during a tornado. Granted, even the National Weather Service admits that by the time we saw and were alerted of the tornado, it was only seconds away and we were way too close to get out of the car and to safety.  People do not typically survive a trip through a tornado of that magnitude. Yes people in buildings stand a better chance...but being picked up, chewed up, and spit  out by one in a car doesn't usually end well.

The same debris that killed our mom, then turned and hit us. Somehow, it didn't break totally through the windshield  Debris was lodged in the car frame, but never breeched the "inside" of the car. "Something" broke a back window and *should* have kept going and hit me. I was covered in glass, but we never found what broke the window. Mom's car was put down right side up, but it was put down so hard it warped the frame. We were put down "gently" by tornado standards. We were also still right side up. It wasn't pleasant, but had we been put down like Mom's car it would have at least given us severe injuries.

It isn't that I wish I were dead (although I have had a few "I lived for this? Fantastic!" days), but I should be. 

I get a second chance at life...and I don't always know what to do with it.

Granted, had I died, I wouldn't have memories of Lester:

Or the first time I honestly hated the beer tent:

Or any of the happy memories that have happened since then. I wouldn't have some of the friends I have found, become closer with people who were just acquaintances at the time, and become a different person than I was a year ago. I'm not sure if it is a better person, but I guess time will only tell.