What Do You Want

Coming off of last weekend, I have some major conflicting feelings. I know some of this has to do with the one year anniversary of the accident looming on the horizon. I also know some of this has to do with my lack of sleep and I know I'm always a little more paranoid when  haven't slept.  However, this is bugging me enough I have to say it out loud.

There are a few parts of my life that are making me nervous...in some cases (or one case really) scared.

I think Michelle Branch says it best in her song "Goodbye to You": It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

I am facing several situations where I know exactly what I want. I may even think I deserve everything I want. However,  the final verdict isn't in my hands. All I can do is back off, wait and hope for nothing.

Yes: Hope for nothing.

Why? Because hoping for what I want makes it real. It takes a situation that will already suck if I don't get what I want and makes it worse. Once I start hoping for something, I can't protect me anymore. Hoping for something means I have dreams and plans for it.  I have pictured what it will be like with it in my life. Hoping means  getting emotionally invested when I have no promise of that investment paying off. It is like with applying for a job: you have to believe you are good enough for the job, but if you keep getting your heart set on in and then not getting the job you start to become gun shy.

Even without the hope there are some regrets and questions. What if I would have not waited and taken this path instead? Should I have given that second chance? Bottom line: I didn't want those other things, and would I have really been happy if I had given up so easily.

For now, I wait.

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