I'm Still Standing (AKA Lessons Learned from Karaoke 2.0)

Two weekends ago, I went out to our one Friday night karaoke show. I put in Liz Phair's Everything to Me, but when they called me to the mic, it was this song instead:

                          (um yeah if you are easily offended...you might want to skip the video...the radio version is Less than Perfect by Pink)

I told the guys I didn't know the song well enough to sing it (which was true), and they of course gave me crap for it. They made me promise to learn the song for the next weekend. I wasn't sure why they wanted me to learn it. Yeah, I sing Pink songs, and maybe they just wanted to hear me curse into the microphone. Then I actually listened to the words, and I suddenly had a revelation: this song was so me.

I'm sure many of you can come up with various reasons of why the song is me. There are few that come to mind.

Literally, if you look at the video there is that comparison. No, I never cut myself or shop lifted or anything like that. However, I grew up always feeling second rate. I was always playing second (or third, or fourth) fiddle to someone. I'm not sure where it came from (not my parents for the most part), but it was always there. I guess in some ways it is still there in bits and pieces today. I fought with my mom about my clothes, hair and make up. I never felt like I could be me. Now that I am older, some of those demons still haunt me from time to time, but I'm finally free to be me. My life isn't perfect. I make mistakes. There are still some things missing and yes, its messy at times. Even with all that, I am free to rock my dark hair and crazy heels. I survived all that comparison and self doubt and become a pretty successful grown up on my own terms.

All that is true...but there is more.

The Biggest one comes from here:

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

About 11 months ago, my friends here in Indy stood around at their respective bars (The Q and Joe's Brookschool) and they were very worried about me. They had gotten word about our accident. My friends, people who really should know me, we're the first people to say that I was weak and fragile. This was going to break me. They doubted I could make it through this.  Guess What? I proved them all wrong.

Honestly, what we went through was awful. My biggest fear is seeing the people I care about being hurt. This was a front row seat to watching the one person who had loved me my whole life take away from me. There was that, plus what we had physically been through, and add to that the complications with our father, really it is amazing I'm not a mess 24/7.

I guess I just didn't have time to be a mess. Even that night I was so focused on how I was going to tell my dad this with out killing him. There is always something else, an new objective, to focus on. Have things been a mess from time to time? Yes. Are there times where I am scared, lonely and overwhelmed? Uh Yeah. Am I sometimes shocked I've kept the family a float this long? Yes...especially when you consider I'm really just making most of this up as I go along.

Bottom Line: I'm still around. I've survived, and I have shown everyone I am much stronger than they ever gave me credit.


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