Feeling Numb
I miss feeling like me. I miss feeling normal. I miss the person I used to be. I know the person I used to be figuratively died almost a year ago. I know I have said this before, but until now I didn't know what was missing.
I feel numb.It is this empty feeling, and nothing I have found so far will fill it up. Yes, many things have gotten better. I cry less. I'm grateful to have a second chance at life (and have way less of the "I seriously lived so this could be my life?" moments). I'm moving forward, but the numbness stays. I'm not looking for butterflies and rainbows here. I just wish I could feel an emotion (happy or sad) like I used to on a regular basis.
I thought I knew what was missing, and actually I was sort of right. I just didn't have a full grasp on why I was feeling this way.
Then I read this by Erika Napoletano: All That We Love
Suddenly the light bulb went off. The only times I don't feel numb are when I am being impractical.
It is the impractical things that make me smile and cry. They fill up that emptiness (even if it is only for a fleeting moment). I have been very focused on the practical. I mean I sort of have had to. Keeping a family together is hard work...and I really am just making things up as I go along. I'm honestly surprised we have made it this far. I have been lacking in the impractical department, and that has to change.
What sort of things am I talking about? What are those little (and some no so little) things that I hope to have more of
1) The superficial:
-My dark hair
- Unreasonable Shoes
Exhibit A
- Clothes I have no reason to wear (Exhibit B)
- Other random things that are just too me to not make me smile (Exhibit C)
2) The Not So Superficial
Again I've said this before. I'm hard to get to know, but once you are in I'll do just about anything for you. No really. I'll support you while you strip at a gay bar for beer money, follow your drunk carcass from bar to bar, pull you out of a one sided knife fight by the seat of your pants, find you demonstrating the difference between a bitch slap and a pimp slap on the Frisch's Big Boy statue, get you food and make sure you are safe and tucked in on our friends apartment floor before I leave for the night...and yes that is all in one night. What I do for my friends is typically practical. It is the *how* I care about them that is impractical. The I will do any
thing for them part is what I can feel. I want them to be happy. I want them to be safe. It breaks my heart when they hurt. I just want to fix things for them. I typically do not expect anything in return, because that is the down side of it all: People suck. They will forget about me. They will break their promises. They will lie. They will do things that will intentionally and not intentionally hurt me.That is the part that is the gamble. Now as a person, I will screw up and do the aforementioned things as well. No one is perfect. However, I try to make sure I am *not* doing ANY of those things. I make my mistakes, but I really try to keep myself in check.
Playing it safe is practical. I have been doing that for the better part of a year. Impractical was applying for promotions time and time again, when I knew the hiring manager wasn't going to give me the chance. I knew it wasn't going to end well for me, but there was still that hope that maybe the good luck fairy might come through for me. She did eventually make an appearance. It just was not when I expected her to. Needless to say, the good luck fairy and I aren't exactly on good terms. She occasionally graces me with her presence, but those moments are few and far between. Still, I have to at least try. The same goes for now. Even when I probably do not deserve (or I know I don't deserve) something, I might as well give it a try. I know I am going to get hurt, but feeling normal again (even for just a little while) is sometimes worth it. Plus getting hurt is part of life. It isn't a happy emotion, but it is a real raw feeling we have to learn from and to deal with. Of course there are limits to this (first: am I the only one who could get hurt, second: is the level of hurt worth the level of happiness it will bring, third: have I really thought this through or am I just being emotional).
I'm still looking to find something that will even put a dent in my numbness. Maybe I will find it soon.
I feel numb.It is this empty feeling, and nothing I have found so far will fill it up. Yes, many things have gotten better. I cry less. I'm grateful to have a second chance at life (and have way less of the "I seriously lived so this could be my life?" moments). I'm moving forward, but the numbness stays. I'm not looking for butterflies and rainbows here. I just wish I could feel an emotion (happy or sad) like I used to on a regular basis.
I thought I knew what was missing, and actually I was sort of right. I just didn't have a full grasp on why I was feeling this way.
Then I read this by Erika Napoletano: All That We Love
Suddenly the light bulb went off. The only times I don't feel numb are when I am being impractical.
It is the impractical things that make me smile and cry. They fill up that emptiness (even if it is only for a fleeting moment). I have been very focused on the practical. I mean I sort of have had to. Keeping a family together is hard work...and I really am just making things up as I go along. I'm honestly surprised we have made it this far. I have been lacking in the impractical department, and that has to change.
What sort of things am I talking about? What are those little (and some no so little) things that I hope to have more of
1) The superficial:
-My dark hair
- Unreasonable Shoes
- Clothes I have no reason to wear (Exhibit B)
- Other random things that are just too me to not make me smile (Exhibit C)
2) The Not So Superficial
Again I've said this before. I'm hard to get to know, but once you are in I'll do just about anything for you. No really. I'll support you while you strip at a gay bar for beer money, follow your drunk carcass from bar to bar, pull you out of a one sided knife fight by the seat of your pants, find you demonstrating the difference between a bitch slap and a pimp slap on the Frisch's Big Boy statue, get you food and make sure you are safe and tucked in on our friends apartment floor before I leave for the night...and yes that is all in one night. What I do for my friends is typically practical. It is the *how* I care about them that is impractical. The I will do any
thing for them part is what I can feel. I want them to be happy. I want them to be safe. It breaks my heart when they hurt. I just want to fix things for them. I typically do not expect anything in return, because that is the down side of it all: People suck. They will forget about me. They will break their promises. They will lie. They will do things that will intentionally and not intentionally hurt me.That is the part that is the gamble. Now as a person, I will screw up and do the aforementioned things as well. No one is perfect. However, I try to make sure I am *not* doing ANY of those things. I make my mistakes, but I really try to keep myself in check.
Playing it safe is practical. I have been doing that for the better part of a year. Impractical was applying for promotions time and time again, when I knew the hiring manager wasn't going to give me the chance. I knew it wasn't going to end well for me, but there was still that hope that maybe the good luck fairy might come through for me. She did eventually make an appearance. It just was not when I expected her to. Needless to say, the good luck fairy and I aren't exactly on good terms. She occasionally graces me with her presence, but those moments are few and far between. Still, I have to at least try. The same goes for now. Even when I probably do not deserve (or I know I don't deserve) something, I might as well give it a try. I know I am going to get hurt, but feeling normal again (even for just a little while) is sometimes worth it. Plus getting hurt is part of life. It isn't a happy emotion, but it is a real raw feeling we have to learn from and to deal with. Of course there are limits to this (first: am I the only one who could get hurt, second: is the level of hurt worth the level of happiness it will bring, third: have I really thought this through or am I just being emotional).
I'm still looking to find something that will even put a dent in my numbness. Maybe I will find it soon.
Comments
Hope to see you at church tomorrow!! If not Happy Easter!