I Want to Be Selfish

I need a new car. I love my little Kia, but last summer just about did her in. Actually, I was planning on buying a new car before the accident. I even talked to my parents about cars I had been looking at when I was home over Memorial Day.

13,000 miles later, I still have her. I need something with a little less wear and tear and that is a little higher off the ground. Dad can't get in and out of her. I have been getting rentals for my trips home, but I would like to save some of that expense.

On Sunday, my dad asked me how much the car I was driving would cost (I had said that I really liked it). I said probably around $15k. He told me to find one I liked and let him know how much it was. Yes, my father wants to buy me a car. Part of me wants to be selfish and take him up on it.  However, as the person responisible for his finances, I know it is a bad idea. As much as  I know this isn't his best plan ever, it is nice to have someone want to take care of me.

99% of the time I can handle our situation pretty well. It sucks. There are times where I don't know what I am doing. Still, life keeps going, and I have to keep up. I admit to having some major feeling sorry for myself moments. I know I had one late Sunday night through Sunday before I left. I was dreading going home. I miss my dad. I wish I could see him more. Still every trip makes me sad. Whether it is a "first" we have to make it through, or something I have to handle while I am there, there is  usually a challenge I have to face. All I could do as I tried to sleep Saturday night was cry the hardest I have cried since my birthday. I was not looking forward to handling this business, and I was dreading having to do it alone.

My life is in Indianapolis. The people who I would hope would typically have my back in this situation are too far away to be there with me. It is just like on the night of the accident. It wasn't that they didn't care, but while my brother and sister had friends there to comfort them, I was alone. I want a friend there to talk to when I'm overhelmed. I want someone to vent to when my siblings make me crazy. I wanted someone to be there when I ordered the grave marker. Honestly, if they had just been waiting for me on the porch when I was done (and maybe had a flask), I would have been happy. Instead, I flew solo and was numb before close of business on Monday. Selfishly, I just want someone to take care of me.

By take care of, I don't mean tell me what to do, or not listen to me. I just want them to be there through the rough patches back home.

I know I just need to put my big girl panties on and deal. This is life, and I need to make the most of it. I'm a lucky girl with friends that love me. The numbness goes away after a while (and all the emotions catch up with me), and it is back to business as usual.


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