Identity Crisis

Ever since I turned 30, I've been having this little identity crisis. I'm not sure if it is just insecurity, or if I'm really just putting things into perspective. I am starting to look around and wonder what the heck I am doing here. I sometimes feel like I have three lives pulling me in different directions and that I only actually fit in one of them.

Life 1:

The somewhat disgruntled secondary education employee. I have these goals of moving higher in the organization. I really do like helpig my students, but sometimes I feel like I am trapped. I want to give high quality work, but I'm feeling like this is a one sided relationship. That being said, it pays my bills and keeps a roof over my and the fids heads.

Life 2:

The Freelance Writer/Editor/Web Designer geeky girl. This is where I feel most at home. I love to write. I wish I had more time for photography, and I'm actually pretty good at web design. I love this life, and I wish it was the one I lived all the time. Yeah, it does get lonely at times, but it makes me happy.

Life 3:

My DK/KJ/judge party girl

I love this job. I love music and I am very appriciative of the opportunity to do this. At the same time, it just doesn't feel right. I can't stay out until 3 every night.I don't drink tons (I refuse to become my dad's biological mom...I already look like her). I don't look like the other girls...I mean I don't dress like them, nor do I turn heads. I love my friends, but I just don't get where I fit in. I'm over being the plucky sidekick, but I don't really serve much more of a purpose. I mean I'm happy, but sometimes feel like I don't know what to say or like I'm not really there. I hate feeling this way, but honestly I don 't think I meet the expectations here. This world gives me so much doubt, and plays so much havok with my already non-existent self esteem. Stuff that shouldn't hurt my feelings does, and I can't keep myself out of the comparison trap.I've cried more tears than I really should over this life. I see people that are so lucky to have what they have...they have things I will never be able to have and I'm at times jealous and other times annoyed because they seem to take it for granted.

I feel like all these lives are pulling me apart. I know where I want to be, but I can't get there. It took me years to get to the point where I believe I deserve to have everything I want, but now I have no idea how to get it. I can't give up my job, my passion or my friends, and I keep feeling like I'm being forced to choose.For now, I will drink my diet coke, smile, maybe sing a song, and then head home to start my work day


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