Only in dreams
I usually do not remember my dreams, but when I do they are usually very vivid and very realistic...and most times almost haunting. Actually, it isn't the details I remember more as the feelings and only flashes of the images remain.
Recently, my dreams have either been weird mixes of people and situations in my life. They never quite make sense. Sometimes they are just strange. Other times they are haunting. I wake up feeling unsettled. It isn't always that they are traditional nightmares. Sometimes they are just too real, and waking up is either a let down or just to weird.
Two nights ago I seriously only netted 45 minutes of sleep, but the dream in that 45 minutes was so real. It was one of those dreams where things aren't perfect, but you have the things you most desperately want In my case I was working from home (down to 2 jobs vs 4), and I had someone else to help when I needed it. I don't know if I will ever have either of those.
I had just made the decision earlier that day that I was going to make it my top priority to establish my writing as my full time job. If it is writing for my own company and doing all my work freelance, or if it is landing a full time telecommuting position...or at least to do the one thing I am truly passionate about full time. I don't have a timeline yet, but I am taking steps to take on more clients and to figure out a better way to balance my time.
I was also mad at someone for just being a moron. I've pretty much accepted that I am going to be on my own. I'm not the ideal looking girl, and honestly even if there were interested parties I do not have time to date. My day starts at 6 a.m. and ends sometime between midnight and 3:30 even on nights I work at home. I do wish I had someone to share my life with. As independent as I am, when my head hurts so much I think it is going to implode, and I have my purse, computer bag and a camera bag to lug out to my car, someone to help me sounds fabulous. Someone to help me haul my laundry to the laundromat, help with dinner and just be there when I'm 3/4 a now 100 hour work week would be nice. My friend had someone that cared for him and he threw it away. Good, non sketchy people who actually like you for who you are don't just fall out of the sky. It is usually good form not to screw these things up. It just makes me angry and sad when I see people giving up a decent relationship because they are being stupid.
Last nights was just crazy and I have no idea where it came from. I was trying to buy an ugly green pick up truck, but no one at the car dealership even tried to help me until I went into the building. It was 10:45 on a week day and for some reason I just had not gone to work at 7:30...like I am supposed to and I suddenly realize halfway through the car paperwork that this is an issue. In an added twist one of my ex boyfriends was dating one of my former roommates. This made no sense since the two of them never met, the roommate lives pretty far away, and I am pretty sure is married. All my friends were calling me about it because they thought I would be upset, but really I didn't care. Like I said it was totally random.