Of Course I Hear Voices: I Own Parrots

Be able to fall asleep Not be waken up by nightmares Write for the writing workshop again Blog regularly again Get my tattoo...but now there will be 2 dates listed :-( Be hungry again Not feel sick every time I eat Get everything in order and handle it flawlessly Start taking pictures again Stop feeling sad when I am alone Get the knots out of my shoulders...even if it is just for a few hours Stay focused on a happy future for my family Figure out why my skin is freaking out...and fix it Figure out where I actually feel happy (home:no at karaoke: not always) Keep loving my friends and family and taking the best care of them  I can Now...I just have to figure out how to make this all happen...it is a good thing I can't sleep so I have time to think about it.

I reached out to a friend  today 1) selfishly because I was feeling down and this friend typically makes me feel better and 2) non-selfishly because something in my subconscious was making me worry (btw: it doesn't take much to make me worry these days...add anxiety to my not sleeping or eating coping mechanism). I didn't think the conversation was really going to go anywhere (or that my friend even wanted to talk to me), but over a couple hours and a few texts it became a semi serious talk. Then I inadvertently hit send on a thought I wasn't even sure I wanted to send (damn touchscreen). Was it sound advice? Yes. Was it unselfish advice? Yes. Do I honestly think that it was advice said friend might need to hear? um...not exactly...ish.  I was trying to speak to my own fear...and somehow inferred my friend had the same fear. Yeah...classic move made by the Jen camp. Almost 2 hours later and there has been no return text, so all I can do is s...

Today in a nutshell: our admin computer in our alternate room has been changed to a printer station (boooo) We had to unplug an IP phone to have another Ethernet line to make our own admin computer (yay creative problem solving) Tables were stacked and left in our alternate room, blocking many of the computers (booo) I moved the double stacked tables farther than my shoulder probably should. (yay...ish) The newer monitors do not like the resolution we need for COMPASS (boo) ATI decided to change our assessment id's, effective today, and not tell anyone until almost EOB. (booo) I had to call ATI and basically demand to get our new IDs so we could test today. (booo) When they did send out our new IDs they sent all of them and the corresponding passwords to all the coordinators statewide. (lol and booo) If some coordinators aren't paying attention, they may accidently use our codes (we were the first ones sent) (billing nightmare: booooo) The GED/ABE folks ...

So far this evening 1) I have been hit on despite looking like I've been hit by a truck. 2) I'm pretty sure this woman just took this random guy to "his new home" actually she actually said: ok now follow mommy to your new home. Um...that alone was disturbing. 3) the machine I had set to cold/cold washed my darks in hot water. Moral of this story: it is time to get an apartment with washer/dryer hook ups or find somewhere else to do my laundry :-p

What I have on repeat on my play list often says a great deal about who I am. Yes some of it is what I am thinking...others are songs I am learning for karaoke and even some are just random and catchy...sort of like me. If you were in my car, you would hear:

It is late registration, and every term we see the same things: They can't get in to *the* orientation session they want They can't find open class sessions. They don't like our hours or availability. My personal favorites are the ones who think that they are entitled to have all the "speed bumps" swept away. Never mind they waited until last minute, it should be  smooth sailing for them. It never occurs to them there is always a price for procrastination. It may be not getting exactly what you want. It may be ease or peace of mind. There is always something it costs you. I should have stayed home and written thank you's tonight. Instead I went out, and paid the price when two of my friends chose to once again break a very simple promise (and even without the promise it was a pretty big douchebag move: why would you think singing Live Like You Were Dying was a good song choice considering I just lost my dad less than 3 weeks ago...seriously...). Yes,...

In no particular order...and not directed at anyone in particular (as the people who need to hear these things have been told several times) Never make a promise you have no intention of keeping. If you are going to be a jerk, at least be up front about it...sending a messenger just makes you look like a bigger jerk. Plan ahead. Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part. Don't step on the people that support you. While they forgive you time and time again, they may eventually get tired of it. Just because you don't get it, doesn't make it not true or real. It is cliche, but try seeing it from the other person's perspective.  

When life sucks, it is sometimes hard to get back into life as you knew it before. Eventually though, you have to go back to work. You have to go back to your life. Time didn't stop when your world was being ripped out from under you...actually you are now going to have to play catch up. Nothing will ever be the same. There is dealing with a big chunk of your life that is now gone. There are still so many things to get done. There is a loss to grieve. There are new worries to keep you awake at night. Everyone handles stress differently, but for me it means less sleep, less eating, and thinking way too much. Oh and my skin freaks out which btw is *awesome.* By Wednesday of last week, if I had spent one more night at my apartment alone with just my birds and my thoughts, I would have been a mess. Luckily, I have people who kept me occupied Thursday-Saturday. I'm lucky to have great friends. Still, they have lives too. They can't be there every night, so I will eventuall...

Five weeks before I turned 31, I lost my mom. One week after I turned 32, I lost my dad. He went into the hospital with something routine for stroke patients. They were saying he would be going home soon. Then the muscle relaxers caused him to aspirate, and he ended up with fluid in his lungs. He wasn't strong enough to fight the infection. He chose to not be on machines and to go peacefully. Thursday we signed the DNR comfort care order. Friday night we were at Hospice. Sunday afternoon he was gone. Tell me how this is fair? My year of "firsts" was finally over. Over the past 7 months was starting to feel less numb. Yes that meant getting hurt, feeling disappointment and other bad emotions too, but at least I was feeling them again. Now we start the cycle all over again. Last time, I watched a parent die in an instant as a barn crashed into her CRV. This time it was different. Dad was responsive up until the last few hours, and was able to tell us exactly what...

I apologize to anyone who reads this and wanted to hear it from us first. I am sure with all that has happened over the past few days we missed people. We are very sorry. Just the other day I was saying when you truly care about someone, you put what will make them happy/what they want first. That is really hitting home right now. Norm's situation is not getting better. He can't fight the infection in his lungs. He has decided to go off the machines and antibiotics and strictly stick with comfort care through hospice. Of course we are heartbroken. Yes, there are other options. However, this is what Dad wants. This is what will make him happy. We support and agree with his choice. He can't talk, but is still responsive and still able to nod yes and no. Right now Dad and are hanging out at the hospital, streaming country music on Pandora, and enjoying our afternoon together. I'm grateful to have this time. It is going to be a hard weekend, and I'm sure next ...

If you actually know me, you know I have my secrets. My favorite mistakes...all of them are included in the secrets category. Some may come out when I am drunk, but for the most part they will stay just mine for now.

Heading home does have its perks. I get to see Dad I get to see my siblings I get to see other people who can make time to see me This trip: Ernesto's I can listen to 89x  All of these are awesome...however... There are some drawbacks With exception of Jojos (our "nite club" yes...be jealous of our classiness and our $1 old Milwaukee light drafts ) the whole town shuts down by 11...I think the grocery store closes at 8? Want a diet dr pepper at midnight? You have to drive out of town to get it. Our house does not have: internet, cable, or AC...and as I mentioned above...there isn't much to do in town. Typically, I could live without cable. I watch most everything on my computer anyway, but the lack of internet leaves me with nothing to do. People not on the pre approved list will hug me.  I will again be depressed by the fact that I can no longer drive 85+ mph down 105  There is typically at least 1 thing I have to do that I am dreading. Honestly,...

The prompts Writing Prompts: 1.) The simple things… 2.) Write an entry inspired by the word: Yellow. 3.) A memorable sporting event. 4.) Sex education! How old were you when you learned about the birds and the bees? Who taught you? Describe that experience. 5.) This month the theme of Oprah’s magazine is intuition…write about a time your instincts were  wrong . I took a vote and prompt 1 won (but when the voters are birds with a limited vocabulary one always wins) The best things in life are people, but if I have to pick my favorite "things" they are always going to be the simple things. Days where I don't have to wear shoes The birds sleeping past 6:30 Perfect fall days: about 60-65, sunny Spending the evening laughing with a friend When they download a new song for me to sing...or butcher Finding a parking spot near my building at 4:00 a.m. Sleeping through the night Not feeling alone Days my shoulder does not hurt Watching scary movies with a friend...

This should be interesting: Stay-- Lisa Loeb Fa Fa--Guster Breathe-- Michelle Branch Here and Now--Letters to Cleo Someone You Should Know-- Lisa Loeb Fucking Perfect-- Pink Bad Influence-- Pink Everything I'm Not-- The Veronicas Tell Me Where It Hurts-- Garbage Manic Monday-- The Bangles Sad truth: I sing songs 1, 3, 6, 8 and 10 and would sing 5, 7, and 9 if we had them on karaoke.

Here is a lesson I wish I could explain to a certain suspected google/blog stalker: Okay this one is more for the female readership, but it is good sound advice no matter what your gender is. If you honestly care about someone, your first order of business is to put what is best for them and/or makes them happy first. Yes even if: It hurts like hell Has a high probability of ending badly for you Actually, it probably means you may never get what you want Why? What's the point of getting what you want if it hurts the people you care about most?  There will be times when it breaks your heart, but you need to deal with it and keep going. Dwelling on it just cranks up your crazy level to bat shit and really that is never attractive. 

I am trying to post pictures and a few blogs over on Redgage again.  Redgage pays per page view...it isn't much but if I can get my traffic up it is good exposure and a good way to make a little extra money for doing something I love anyway. If you get a second head on over and check out some of my new stuff like this one from St John  and my older stuff too. Once I get my portfolio over there straightened up I will post new link. Thanks everyone for your support!

Due to the birthday and Norm being in the hospital...I fell  little behind.  Here is the catch up blog: Day 20: Nicknames Okay: Jenni Jenny (for those who can't spell Jenni-jen Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why? Meh...hate pictures of me. Seriously.  If I have to pick I guess I'll go with: or Why? I don't know. I guess I sort of like how I look in them as opposed to most other pictures. Day 22: What's in your car silver ballet flats phone charger sync cord running shoes black heels garbage bag folding chair beach towel 12 pack of diet dr pepper jumper cables Day 23: Favorite Movie Ok...this will be another one where I break the rules: Muppet Family Christmas Emperor's New Groove The Never Ending Story The Dark Crystal and of course Better of Dead whew...now I think I am all caught up

This is going on both of the blogs...so I apologize if you see this twice. As many of you know, my dad went back into the hospital on Tuesday (If you would like to know what hospital, ask me directly. Because of privacy concerns I'm not posting it on here, Facebook or Twitter). The ER doctor believed it was focal seizures. These are common post stroke. They were going to keep him overnight and have the neurologist confirm the diagnosis. They ended up keeping him longer and on Friday morning he was moved to the ICU. He was not breathing on his own. His condition is serious. He is far from out of the woods. He is still in an induced coma, but they are slowly bringing him out of that. The doctors say it is quite possible. that once he is strong enough he should be able to breathe on his own again, but we won't know for sure until he gets stronger. We are unsure of how long he wasn't breathing on his own, so there is a chance for brain damage, but again we won't kno...

I'm not going to lie...this might be a mixed bag of funny and sad. It's been a long week, my weekend is slowly falling a part, and my Norm is still in the hospital... What I miss: the little random things Mom and Dad coming to Indy for my birthday: It wasn't about the gifts or lack there of, it was about them taking the time to come see me. Also: taking them to a P3 show and watching Doug squirm as he tried not to drop the f bomb in front my mom...the minister Being woken up at odd hours of the night by the small town cops firing up the old school Nintendo. I was kept up many nights listening to them play Zelda or Dr.Mario and listening in on conversations my teenaged ears never should have heard...but it was way more entertaining than the silence I hear now when I can't sleep ;-)  The days when I didn't have a killer knot in my left shoulder. Right about now I'd kill for a shoulder rub...or just about anything to make it stop hurting. The days when I ...

Again...this is a tough one. Well there is the obvious: Tony Packo's The Place I can never get anyone to go with me: Myagis (sushi) and Best Breakfast   Toast Two (it is in Chicago, so I rarely get to go here...boooo)