I Want to Love the Rain Again

I used to love the rain. I loved to watch and listen to thunderstorms. It was a simple pleasure, but the rain relaxed me. I enjoyed the lightning. Even the thunder was a welcome sound. Now I didn't  like driving in the rain at night because my night vision sucks and the rain made it worse, but that was a downfall that was easy to deal with.

Now I hate the rain, and I abhor thunderstorms. It has been almost a year, but both give me an anxiety I can't shake. It has gotten better, but it is a fear I can't seem to shake.

Of course all this is made worse by being in a car. Driving in the rain, makes me anxious. Driving in a storm, makes me nauseous. I guess if both didn't mess with my ability to see, it wouldn't be as bad. I hate not being able to see what is in the road ahead of me. I don't like surprises. The bigger issue is: what I see in flashes of lightning. On the night of the accident, you could only see the tornado when the lightning would flash. Otherwise, you couldn't see the 400 meter wide cyclone headed right for us. It was in the middle of 795, and until the lightning flashed, we had no idea it was there. That is what I see in every flash of lightning. It is usually just a quick flashback, but it is still something I would rather not remember.

Now I want to bitch slap every person who write a "happy" status update about rain or storms. I plan my errands around the rain (which makes weeks like this upcoming week a challenge). I wish I had someone around to keep me distracted when the bad weather comes. I hate being this way.

Even if I never love the rain again, I would like to at least be able to not have a negative experience.

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