Of Course I Hear Voices: I Own Parrots

If you really know me, you should know: I love to buy shoes, but I don't like wearing them. I hate being the center of attention, but I hate feeling totally invisible.  If I consider you a friend, I'll do just about anything for you.  Taking care of people might be the one thing I do best. I am pretty particular about my personal rules...if I break one there is a good reason I usually only take a risk if the only person who will get hurt is me. I get bored easily. I hate feeling alone. The only thing I really want is  for people to actually get me. I love horror movies. If you want to know anything else..ask.

Sunday morning: I felt fine. I was tired (and too lazy to do my hair). My stomach hurt, but it had hurt pretty much all week. By Sunday night:I was miserable. My head was swimming with everything I have going on. My shoulder was throbbing and I was working on another tension headache. I hadn't really eaten much since Monday. I was just not hungry and every thing I forced myself to eat just made me sick. That includes what I had made myself for dinner. It wasn't pretty folks. My week really hadn't been that bad. It was a culmination of a couple weeks events, stress, disappointments and this numb feeling I just can't shake. Even with all the good things (which there were many) thrown in, I just could not kick this growing bad feeling. It was like everything was hitting me at once, and my body was just throwing in the towel. As I sat on my couch feeling super sorry for myself, it occurred to me: I was breaking my own rule: Pick Your Battles Carefully. I was trying to t...

Why do you do nice things for people? What is the pay off? Why do you care? I'm good at taking care of people. Really, I am. I get this odd joy out of being a good friend. I want my friends to be happy. It kills me to watch anyone I care about go through a rough time. I will be there in a heartbeat to be supportive. I will go out of my way to help. I will rearrange things to make a situation work. I'm not just saying that to point out "good stuff" I do. I honestly get joy from seeing the people in my life being safe, happy, and cared for. If I offer to do you favor, there typically isn't any malicious intent. I really just want to help. I may not have much to offer the world, but I can at least take care of my friends and family. Then I see other people who at the surface seem to be on the same page. However, when I look a little closer I see their true intentions. They don't so much care about the people they are helping, but how it makes them look. Don...

For the past ten months, I have desperately tried to find my "new normal." I am not doing such a great job. Admittedly, at first there was tons of emotional things to work through. Then it was just getting back to the basics. That took months. Now, I am trying to figure out who I have become and what that means for my future. This past Saturday night was this odd combination of the old and new. I found myself out with my friends. Some of it was like old times. We laughed, sang, and had a great time. By the end of the night I was sober and helping take care of some of my more overbeveraged friends. I like taking care of people. It is the one thing I do well. It makes them happy, and typically it makes me happy. Saturday night there were some crazy moments, but I was more than happy to help. Then there was that twinge of the new normal: There is nothing quite like finding yourself throwing up in a shrub in the Pizza Hut parking lot. Even though my friends know the song ...

Dear Attention Span: I know I haven't treated you well. All the Sesame Street and MTV we watched in my youth did substantial damage.Still, you hung in there for many years. We even made it all the way through college. Now I feel like you are slipping away. Maybe it is because I don't sleep. Maybe it is because I'm always working on something. I don't know, but I miss you. 1) I get bored way too easily. 2) Somedays I just can't seem to get my focus. Like today, I am working on our finals schedule. Admittedly, it isn't the most exciting thing, but it has been hard to stay on task. My mind won't stop running. I'm not worrying or thinking about things I *should* be concerned about. Oh no. It is just random distractions. One second I'm figuring how many students we can test in one day. The next I'm trying to see if I can swing a long weekend in May to go to a concert (which I can't btw..so sad). Don't get me wrong. Part of my (what we...

There  are few things I am totally certain about anymore. Before our accident, I thought I was starting to make sense of things. I thought I knew who I was, and what I deserved. I thought that maybe I had a chance to be normal person. Yeah, all the things I wanted for myself at 20 never came true, but maybe at 30 I could make it happen. Then life happened. Now there are *TONS* of things I don't know. Many of which are covered pretty extensively on this blog. We won't go there today. More importantly, the three things I do know are the ones that keep me going. I'm not the same person I was before. I am just not. I'm not sure if it is better or worse, but I am finally accepting that I have changed. I may never have the things I dreamed of when I was in college. I won't be normal. I may never deserve the life I thought I could have before the accident.  Occasionally, it is okay to be selfish. I'm not saying I am going to run out and be a self absorbed PIA. ...

Sleep? What's Sleep? I really do not sleep well. I have a hard time falling asleep. Between tons of stuff on my mind and my back being sore I guess I just can't settle down enough.Once it does happen, I usually only sleep for a hour or so. It is nice sometimes because it means I can get more things done. Other times it is rough because I am mentally exhausted, but just can't rest. Every few weeks I have one day where I totally crash.. Ask me anything

Chilly Friday mornings aren't always my most productive moments, but I needed to at least price out cars. I bought my Kia Rio three and a half years  ago. I really did love that car, but she was in need  of a upgrade. I had put too many miles on her, and I needed something better for getting dad out and about. The first car dealership: Treated me like an idiot The second dealership: I asked for a specific car I saw online. They showed me 4 other cars, never showed me the one I asked for, and never gave me a price on the 4 they did show me. Third dealership: No One would wait on me. Fourth Dealership: I decide just to do a drive through. If something stood out, then I would ask about it. Penske Honda won out that day. They: Treated me like a person Came down on the price Gave me a fair trade in price.  I am now the proud owner of a Saturn Ion. :)

I love to quote "Empire Records." Despite it's cheesiness, there is just something about that movie that makes me smile. I know I shouldn't love the movie as much as I do, but I do. I could blame it on the fact it came out when I was in high school. Instead, lets just call it my guilty pleasure. This movie is awful, but I really would quote it more often if I knew other people knew the movie. Maybe I love it because it is about a bunch of outcasts that somehow manage to save the day. Maybe it just the soundtrack. Who knows?

I need a new car. I love my little Kia, but last summer just about did her in. Actually, I was planning on buying a new car before the accident. I even talked to my parents about cars I had been looking at when I was home over Memorial Day. 13,000 miles later, I still have her. I need something with a little less wear and tear and that is a little higher off the ground. Dad can't get in and out of her. I have been getting rentals for my trips home, but I would like to save some of that expense. On Sunday, my dad asked me how much the car I was driving would cost (I had said that I really liked it). I said probably around $15k. He told me to find one I liked and let him know how much it was. Yes, my father wants to buy me a car. Part of me wants to be selfish and take him up on it.  However, as the person responisible for his finances, I know it is a bad idea. As much as  I know this isn't his best plan ever, it is nice to have someone want to take care of me. 99% of the ...

I'd rather be taking the picture. I'm pretty good at the whole photography thing. I usually do not like pictures of me. Actually, I usually avoid being in pictures if I can. Ask me anything

When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne: My friend Stephanie and I sing this together. It reminds me of my parents . I can't imagine how it is for my dad. He's lost so much all at once. It also reminds me of going through the parsonage after our accident. I sang it once and made us both cry (not because it was bad, but because I was crying). Now if we sing together we have a 50% chance of making it through tear free. Yes...we are dumb girls, and I am okay with that. I was listening to the karaoke version last night trying to determine if we needed it down 1 or 2 steps to put the bridge back in both of our ranges...so I listened to and sang my part numerous times. It has been in my head all day! Ask me anything

Here's another Mama Kat prompt. It isn't from the workshop, but from the  prompt generator: Put an outfit together using pictures you found online and show us what you'd LIKE to be wearing today. I'm feeling creative tonight...so this could be fun. My Casual Look from www.torrid.com: My fun look from Hot Topic (www.hottopic.com)

Who I Am --Jessica Andrews If I live  to be a hundred And never see the seven wonders That'll be alright If I don't make it to the big leagues If I never win a Grammy I'm gonna be just fine 'Cause I know exactly who I am I am Rosemary's granddaughter The spitting image of my father And when the day is done My momma's still my biggest fan Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy But I've got friends who love me And they know just where I stand It's all a part of me And that's who I am So when I make big mistake When I fall flat on my face I know I'll be alright Should my tender heart be broken I will cry those teardrops knowin' I will be just fine 'Cause nothin' changes who I am I am Rosemary's granddaughter The spitting image of my father And when the day is done My momma's still my biggest fan Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy But I've got friends who love me And they kno...

Oddly enough my best St. Patrick's Day memory doesn't involove alcohol. Well it doesn't involve me drinking alcohol. I have enjoyed several great parties over the years, but my best holiday story doesn't involve me in a bar. It involves in me in a classroom. It was my junior year of college. I was in a 400 level Commnication Theory class that afternoon. It was a small class. Many of us had been in classes together for the the past 2 years. I was a semester ahead of most juniors, and that meant I was the youngest in this particular group. I was the only student under 21. Our teacher was awesome, but he was stickler about attendence. If you missed class and you didn't have a good excuse, there would be hell to pay. I showed up to class about 5 minutes early: no one was there. Right as class started, a few classmates stumbled in. Our instructor was annoyed, but he started teaching. A few minutes later a few more people came in. By a quarter after, the whole class...

To Whom It May Concern: I try not to be a "complainer," but I am beginning to think you have out stayed your welcome. Before midterms, I totally got you. I was stressed and this was our way of coping. During midterms: You were almost expected. I would have been worried if you hadn't stuck around. Plus your hurting meant I wasn't hungry: bonus. Now: Midterms are over. Yes, I am playing catch up and I have a few things looming on the horizon. However, none of these things warrant your presence. They may in the future, but lets let me enjoy a week or two before you start up again. I don't want to start anything with you, but I think it is time you stop being a drama queen and let me make it through the weekend with out sudden sharp pains. Love, Me

Last week and this past weekend was strange. It wasn't bad. Things were busy and stressful, but there was no drama to speak of.  Still, I'm off my game and I'm not sure why.  My focus isn't there. I'm missing something, and nothing I come up with seems right. Maybe it is just the lack of sleep. :) My First Tornado Warning of 2011: Less stressful than I thought it would be...really it was. It did mean starting the work week on zero sleep. Midterms: Survived. I still have tons of work to catch up on, but I had big report to get out today. I will be back ahead of the game by the end of the week. 62 hours over 6 days with 1 day off is rough though. We tested over 103 students in 4 hours on Saturday. Exhausting! Nine Months Later: Still blows. I can't explain to people what this is like. That is probably the hardest thing for me. Upside: The song Live Like You are Dying still makes me throw up, but I can make it through the song and the Indy Idol wrap up before...

I remember midterms from college. I know they were stressful, and may have pulled a couple all nighters. Still, I think midterms stress me out more now. I work for a community college. Actually, I am the Coordinator for the Assessment Center. That means that students in Distance Education classes take their proctored midterms with us. That means working extra hours, figuring out our staffing, securing second rooms and all the other general planning. I'll put in at least 50 hours during midterm week. Typically it is more like 60 hours. This semester is our first semester to require appointments. The students have to m. ake their appointment online. The way the software is set up, we cannot make it for them. We've emails students this information, but they still think they can just call or e-mail and we can help...but we can't. That is just the tip of this semester's iceberg. 1)We set appointments based off of last year's numbers. So we have to adapt the appoi...

A year ago I was actually doing pretty much the same thing I am doing now: Trying to resurect and rework my blog. I was writing a lot a plinky prompts and just random stories from my life. It was fun and random. There was no real substance to speak of I was doing really well with the daily blogs until the summer hit. Then my life changed. One day my dad had a stroke. The next day, my sister and I were following our mom home from the hospital and we were hit by an tornado. Our mom didn't survive. I didn't write for a few months. I may have ranted a few times, but every time I sat down to write, nothing positive came out. Plinky prompts did nothing. I had lots of other things going on in my life, but nothing else seemed to come out of my head. I didn't want this blog to become my daily ranting blog (I do love to rant from time to time), nor was I looking to make it a log of my raw emotion and depression. I stepped away. I tried to come back a couple times, but it just ...

I would be writing. Long before the internet (or at least when my parents finally got the internet), I was writing. I filled notebooks like it was going out of style. Sometimes I wish I had that kind of focus again. Ask me anything